Posted by
Emmett of the Unblinking Eye on Friday, August 07, 2009 4:15:08 PM
Not that there's anything inherently wrong with a two hour exercise in mind-numbing action and more-than-a-little violence, mind you. But sometimes....
Since I have no desire to encourage anyone to see this shockingly bad movie, I would have absolutely no problem revealing the plot, if I could begin to figure our what it was. Suffice it to say that two average (well, probably above-average) soldiers, "Duke", played by the dreamy (per my daughter) Channing Tatum and the possibly equally dreamy for all I know "Ripcord" (Damon Wayans). are recruited to join a secret unit called G.I. Joe (or, as they're known throughout the movie, "the Joes") after their mission to protect four NATO warheads containing little nano-thingies that eat anything and everything, fails. Amazingly enough, the former fiancé of Duke, Ana (Sienna Miller), is behind the theft of the warheads. I mean, Tatum is cute and all (I guess), but is his rejection enough to turn her to a life of crime?
Now, this is not a movie that stands up to any kind of strict (or even relaxed) scrutiny. But since the entire premise of this debacle is that the creator of the nano-thingies must steal them back to carry out his nefarious plan, you have to wonder why he just didn't save himself some unnecessary grief and a lot of money by just making four more warheads while he had the chance and double-billing NATO for them. That's what the Democrats would have done.
In any event, but for the violence (impalings, etc.) and the standard Hollywood view that you can bump off thousands of people, but it's OK as long as you haven't been formally introduced to them, this would be a perfect movie for your average 6 year old boy. And it will make Hasbro, the maker of G.I. Joe, a bagazillion dollars. But if the boy's over 6 ... not so much.
So the bottom line is, don't waste your money. It's the worst summer blockbuster since Transformers. Go see (500) Days of Summer, or The Hurt Locker. You'll feel better about yourself.